2009 non-resolution

*really long vent/rambling session ahead*
i don’t make new year’s resolutions for the same reason that i don’t go on diets: i tend to start at the beginning with good intentions and then gradually become lazier and lazier about it all without fail.

so, maybe i’m calling this whole thing a “non-resolution” for some sort of delusional, reverse psychology. if that’s the reason, then so be it.

here’s the deal…. i’ve become sick of me. so tired of living for me. no, this isn’t some sort of new phenomenon but i can honestly say that i have never been this sick of me before. if you know me well, you’d know that i am a planner to the core. a friend needs to know what is the exact date for an event 6 months down the road? just text jen! she’ll have it in her ever present calendar! i’m also a chart person, a spreadsheet person, a list person, etc. plans, plans, plans.

so what’s a planner to do when her own plans don’t always pan out?

i’ve always wished life were like the first day of a college course, meaning that it came with a syllabus…. “ok, be ready on november 22^nd since there’ll be a huge test on that day. also, on august 16^th, you’ll get some bad news that’ll hit you hard. really hard.” God’s probably saying, “aww, that’s no fun! you need to just trust Me.” how ironic that proverbs 3:5,6 is my favorite scripture.

who are you living for? what is your whole reason for being here?

so this year, i’m giving up. focusing on my ambitions has not gotten me anywhere so that’s out of the question. living by the seat of my pants [ er.… i mean, skirt :) ] and floating aimlessly through life won’t cut it either. i want a “purpose driven life”, if you will. and i don’t think i need to read the book to get this. through the preaching of my pastor and from others, i see a great need to become more useful for the kingdom of God. would i have won “outreach queen of the year”, if there were such a prize? ummmm, no. i’ve gotten better but i am certainly not the witness that i should be by now.

lyrics from brandon heath’s “give me your eyes”…. the whole cd is awesome

give me your eyes for just one second
give me your eyes so I can see
everything that I keep missing
give me your love for humanity
give me your arms for the broken hearted
ones that are far beyond my reach.
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
give me your eyes so I can see

and besides witnessing, i need to become stronger overall. i’ve seen how fragile i really am and it bugs me. i need to let go of some things and gain the full victory in some areas of my life. in july of 08, we attended a youth conference in akron, ohio and the preaching was sooo good by bro. scott kerr jr. and bro. mcmullen. one message that sticks out right now is bro mcmullen’s “building an inner wall”. i need to build a strong fortress of prayer, bible reading, fasting, worship, etc as a defense for when the enemy attacks and/or when the flesh wants to take over.

so life really isn’t going the way i thought it should. perhaps my dreams have to be sent to the backburner (and are seemingly now up in smoke). maybe i won’t get to go on my whirlwind tour of europe anytime soon (if ever). and maybe that dream job (that i have NO CLUE what it is) isn’t going through at the moment. i’m reminded of Abraham going to sacrifice his son…. that same one that God promised him! i don’t recall reading about him having a meltdown and complaining to God. nope, he just went ahead and did what God wanted him to do. i have NO IDEA where God is leading me. and to say that prospect is “a lil scary” is an understatement. but i since i don’t get a syllabus, i should start with the instruction manual and see where that takes me, right?